Rio Amazonas sunset
Night time is party time on the roof of the boat
the good ship being loaded by hand (about an hour before the captain walked off)
Rio Amazonas sunrise
our stateroom day one
by day three.... 
feeding time at the zoo.. 10 at a time - 150 people total
Is it fate or not that we find ourselves booking a boat trip on the Rio Amazonas (Amazon River) almost 16 years to the day from when Lori and I (along with the Alexis Creek Gang) exchanged vows in the Niut Mountains. I seem to recall some mention of a honeymoon consisting of a cruise on the Amazon River in a newspaper article that was contained in the Williams Lake Tribune. Better late than never so here it is: Honeymoon cruise on the Rio Amazonas!
July 29th finds us in the sketchy river town of Port Velho, Brasil purchasing a ticket for a three day (2 night) ride down the Rio Madeira to the Rio Amazonas and then up the mighty Amazonas to the even “sketchier” city of Manaus. One has to start wondering what sort of honeymoon cruise we are in for when the entire cruise (including transporting the motos comes to 540 Reais (app. 270 dollars)!
Monday: July 30th
Our first honeymoon task is: Load the motos on the Dois Irmaos (2 brothers) (our honeymoon scow herewith referred to as the 2 Hemorrhoids) When we purchased our tickets we had the opportunity to check out the scow and noticed a near vertical 100 meter clay bank with partial wooden stairs leading down the river bank to a plank then one boat and another plant to our scow. The ticket agent insisted that a crew was required to carry the bike to our scow but I took one look and said no problem riding down. In the end Lori agreed to pay for the 650 to be carried down while I tried to ride the 250 down. So at 9 o clock the river banks were covered in a crowd of well wishers, wishing to see a 25o arrow into the side of a boat at the base of the clay cliff. By the time I rode the 65o down and across the planking onto our scow the crowd was roaring its approval…so much for my 30 seconds of fame!!! Chris continued to get back slaps every time he walked by the ship loaders for the next two days we spent in port.
We were then escorted to our berths…two hammocks on the second deck! I noticed that several families had already staked out their territory but seeing as that we are supposed to be leaving at noon there seemed to be lots of room for us and our mountain of junk…no problem.
So 12pm, our time of departure comes and goes…the boat is slowing filling up….now its dark…We now realize that the Brasil River Boats do have something in common with Indian and Nepalese buses…they are NEVER too full!
Tuesday: July 31st
A pretty rough night sleep. First of all have you ever tried to sleep in a hammock when your butt lies about 3 feet lower than your feet and head…doesn’t work for me!(although Lori sleeps just fine) Secondly the old battle axe that is sleeping next to me (hammocks are now slung about 2 feet apart) snores like a boar pig in heat but that isn’t the worst of it. What really pisses me off is that she can let rip with farts that are twice as deadly as mine! Finally a meal…its some java and two biscuits for breakfast! Its 5pm and the 2 Hemorrhoids appears to be fully loaded as we pull out of port and into the Rio (a day later than scheduled)…but not for long as just as we leave the Brasil coast guard boat (that has been tied up on shore right in front of us for the last two days) stops us minutes after leaving “port” (mud bank) After a one hour search we are ready to proceed downstream – apparently the motorcycles were supposed to be stored down in the hold, but with all the sacks of potatoes, wooden boxes of garlic, mountains of green bananas and watermelons literally stacked from floor to ceiling around the motos, no one was ever going to see them…Hallelujah!!!
Wednesday: August 1st
A great sleep…on the floor of the boat with all the scavenging varmints…much to the humor of all the locals and Lori who are swinging away, bumping butts in their hammocks. Its still dark as we pull up to the river bank in some small town and you guessed it…took on more passengers and hand hauled freight! (now the hammocks are strung less than 2 feet apart and you and your neighbour are very cozy)
Time to leave…well maybe not as the 2 Hemorrhoids and the river bottom seem to have become one! After much revving of motors, reversing and swinging back and forth and using a second boat the river bottoms decided to let the 2 Hemorrhoids be on its way!
The sun is shining, beer flowing and lunch digesting…all is well….until El Capitan runs the 3 Hemorrhoids into a sand bank in the very middle of the Amazon. Some eight hours later with the help of three boats we are once again free and enjoying our honeymoon cruise.
Now that we are temporarily free and moving its time to talk about food. With about 150 people on board and room to feed 10 people at a time things get very interesting at the feeding trough! The head waitress is a little Hitler (but with a lot nicer butt (along with tattoos and piercings everywhere)…none of the guys could figure how she (and her helpers) could ever bend over and not show everything with the incredibly short tight skirts they were wearing! So the food is dropped on the table and ten people go for it (literally…these Brasilian folks are extremely laid back about almost everything except their food!)…good Canadian manners will leave you with a plate of NOTHING! Not only that but you are expected to eat your meal in one minute flat because the next group of ten is waiting in queue for you to leave your spot! Instead of handing out spoons we would have been better served with shovels!
Standing in queue took up about 2 hrs every afternoon and evening-this was a major activity on our cruise-no trap shooting, or swimming pools on this boat.. (except we got smart and stayed on the top deck drinking beer, playing with kids and talking with the locals until the end of meal time)
Thursday: August 2nd
Progress is slow, slow slow but all is well as there still is some beer left and the great Brasilian tunes pound out all day at about 110 decibels! These folks are so friendly and love to have a good time! We all have lost any faith that we had in our captain as the 3 Hemorrhoids seems to spend more time stuck to the bottom than cruising down the river…I swear that a flock of vultures are following us down the river just waiting for our scow to become a permanent part of the river bottom! At one point we lost all power as it seems that the propeller caught a few miles of the boats wiring and chewed it up. The captain kept yelling at some poor crew guy to keep going down to the prop (he had a hose in his mouth and a compressor pumping air into the hose so he could breath…the water is as thick as mud…and finally after his third or fourth attempt we have power!) to be continued... For now El Capitan is managing to keep the boat in deep water and it is nice and relaxing to watch the beautiful Amazon jungle sweep by. We find it surprising that we observe so little wildlife (including birds) but the sunrise and sunsets are gorgeous!
Friday: August 3rd
No problems last night and after the queue for our standard breakfast of coffee and a bun is finished we retire to the roof to meet our Brasilian friends. Today we leave the Rio Madeira and pass into the famous Rio Amazonas (Amazon). The Amazon is running high and the huge expanse of mud brown water (that extends well into the tropical jungle) is covered with islands of bright green plants floating their way out into the Atlantic. Now we are moving slowly as we head upstream to the rough river port of Manaus. Because the river floods huge patches of shoreline there is surprisingly little development along the river banks and the scenery is even better than what the Rio Madeira offered.
A thankfully uneventful day and as darkness settles in we are nearing our destination.
A great sleep is interrupted by….people screaming, kids crying and the sounds of our scow hitting trees. The El Capitan must have been asleep at the wheel as we have run into an island! (with the lights of Manaus in sight!) After everyone gets settled down there is no hope for any sleep for the remainder of the night. Morning light reveals we indeed have put a dent in some Amazonas vegetation but lie immediately adjacent the famous floating docks of Manaus.
We will not bore you with the details of unloading the boats and getting our bikes off BUT the saga is not finished! Although none of the occupants of the boat complained while on board I guess the port officials received an “ear full” and visited the boat to talk to El Capitan and check the boat/captain papers. Guess what…our boat was being piloted by the boat owner and the crew that loads and unloads the boat! The real Captain stepped off the boat an hour or so after it left port! Will the real Captain please step forward? The owner got a car ride downtown to the police station!!!
